There are some decisions in life that require deep contemplation. Applying for a job. Choosing a partner. Picking your Desert Island Discs. And then, there’s naming a puppy. A joyous process, one would think, until one is an English teacher and realises that every name carries an unbearable weight of literary baggage.
You see, a puppy’s name isn’t just a name - it’s a declaration, a legacy, an invocation of all the characters who have come before. You can’t simply pluck a name from thin air without considering its thematic implications, characterisation, and, most importantly, what it will sound like when you’re bellowing it across a windswept hill. I always wanted to name my dog Keith (after an advert for British Airways in the 80s… but I digress).
The Literary Landmines of Naming a Dog
Take, for example, the perfectly charming name ‘Cathy’. The problem? Do I really want to be reminded of windswept moors and toxic co-dependence every time I call my dog in from the garden? ‘June’ might seem like a quiet, powerful choice - until I picture her silently judging the patriarchy from her dog bed. ‘Eliot’ has a sleek, modern feel, but I can't help imagining a canine with a superiority complex and a fondness for quoting obscure Greek references. ‘Tess’? Beautiful, but she’s bound to end up traumatised by a farmer or flattened by fate.
And then there’s ‘Stella’. Oh, Stella. A name that, in any other context, might be entirely reasonable. But as an English teacher? Impossible to say without immediately and dramatically collapsing to my knees and screaming out the syllables. Which, let’s be honest, might be entertaining for a few weeks, but will eventually concern the neighbours.
Striking the Right Balance
The challenge, then, is finding a name that is literary enough to satisfy my professional sensibilities but practical enough for everyday use. It should have charm but not pretension, significance but not tragic overtones. Perhaps the answer lies in embracing the absurdity. A well-placed literary pun? ‘Virginia Woof’? ‘Sylvia Paws’? ‘Mary Puppins’?
The Weight of a Name
Literary characters live on through their names, and perhaps that’s why naming a pet feels so significant. The best names carry echoes of meaning, layers of interpretation, and a touch of personal attachment. And yet, at the end of the day, a dog will never care whether her name alludes to Shakespeare or a brand of biscuits - she’ll just be happy to hear it.
So, the search continues. And in the meantime, if you hear someone howling ‘STELLAAAAA!’ into the distance, know that it’s just an English teacher trying out a possibility.
She’ll grow into it, right?
